I originally did this strictly for my own, and frequently questionable, amusement, but after showing it to The Phiend he suggested I post it as forum fodder, so...here we are!
SYNOPSIS/DIALOGUE/BAD JOKES: Me
(Cyborg reboots, wakes up to find the words ONE YEAR LATER staring him in the face...well, actually, in a little narrative blurb up in the corner of the page, but you get the idea. He staggers out of the machine shop in Titans Tower and climbs upstairs to find Kid Devil and Ravager eating lunch while bitching about Robin and Wonder Girl.)
Ravager: "Robin's wasting his time looking for her, we're better off without her."
Kid Devil: "Well, she was a Titan and one of his best friends, right?"
Ravager: "She's a stupid bitch."
Kid Devil: "Blue Devil says you shouldn't say stuff like that!"
Ravager: "Bitch bitch bitch."
Kid Devil: "Hot damn, Cyborg's awake!"
Cyborg: "What the shit!!"
Ravager: "Hey look, he remembers me! ...Oh crap, he remembers me."
Cyborg: (Attacks them and pretty much blows up the kitchen. During the battle, Wendy and Marvin basically pop up out of nowhere.)
Wendy and Marvin: "Sweet, all the new stuff we built into him while he was in a vegetative coma works!"
Cyborg: "What is this?! Who ARE you people?!"
Kid Devil: "We're the Teen Titans!"
Robin: (shows up) "Yo, Vic. Welcome back."
Cyborg: "What the hell, Tim?!"
Wendy and Marvin: "Hey, we're the Wonder Twins from M.I.T., we rebuilt you and stuff and now we have to remodel the kitchen, we're really super smart and..." (they dissolve into sibling bickering which fades into the background)
Kid Devil: "I'm Blue Devil's sidekick."
Cyborg: "I thought Blue Devil was a sidekick."
Robin: "And then there's Rose."
Ravager: "Don't worry, I'm good now. I'm not like that skanky pig, Terra."
Robin: (to Cyborg) "You came back from space in a thousand pieces so you've been kinda out of it. Starfire is...somewhere. We think. Maybe. Speedy quit, Kid Flash retired, Raven dated Beast Boy, they broke up and she quit, then he went back to the Doom Patrol. Oh yeah, and Superboy kicked the bucket, but he saved the universe and stuff while he was at it. Or something."
Cyborg: "God damn it!! What about Wonder Girl?"
Robin: "She's downtown beating up Gemini. Hey, let's go watch!"
(They go downtown and watch Wonder Girl beat up Gemini, who had stolen some random high-tech thingamajig for the Brotherhood of Evil.)
Gemini: "Love is on our side!"
Wonder Girl: "Holy cow! Cyborg, you're like totally awake, for sure!"
Cyborg: "Yeah, uh, sorry 'bout your dead boyfriend and everything."
Robin: "Hey, now that Cyborg's back, you should come back too."
Wonder Girl: "No."
Ravager: "You cunt."
Wonder Girl: (punches her)
Robin: "Come on, the Brotherhood of Evil is up to no good, since we're both going after them anyway we might as well do it together. We need you, Cassie, and I need you."
Wonder Girl: "Yeah well, you were too busy following Batman around the world when I needed you, so get bent."
Kid Devil: "Hey, uh, Gemini got away while you guys were busy with your angst-fest."
Wonder Girl: "Great, bye." (leaves)
(The others go back to Titans Tower, since they don't have anything else to do.)
Cyborg: "Robin, your team sucks. I'm calling Gar, we need to get a REAL team up and running."
Bumblebee: "You've reached the Doom Patrol hotline. We're sorry, but no one is available to take your call. Please leave a message and we'll get back to you as soon as possible."
Robin: "Eddie isn't really a devil...I don't think...and Rose is like, um, a reformed mass-murderer. Yeah. Anyway, they're basically the only ones left out of the 30 or so Titans that have come and gone, who haven't quit. Pretty much everyone has deteriorated into a mental and/or physical wreck over the course of the past year, or 52 or whatever the editors want to call it."
Cyborg: "What about you?"
Robin: "Oh, I'm fine. 'Scuse me, I have to go downstairs and check on my 96th attempt to clone a new Superboy."
Robin: "97 failures so far. Damn it computer, try again! I'm going to bed."
Ravager: "'Bout time, I've been waiting here buck naked in your bed for hours!"
Robin: "The hell?!"
Ravager: "Eh, there was nothing else to do."
Robin: "You're drunk, or nuts, or both!"
Ravager: "What's your point?"
Kid Devil: "Holy shit!"
Robin: "This isn't what it looks like!"
Ravager: "Yes it is!"
Kid Devil: "Uh, by the way, somebody busted into the Tower and they're hacking into the mainframe. Oh yeah and Blue Devil says if you're gonna bang somebody on your team you should at least hang a birdarang or something on your door when you're doing it."
Robin: "STFU. And damn it! Quick, we have to stop...Cassie?!"
Ravager: "Your new costume sucks!" (they fight)
Kid Devil: "Wow, she got dressed fast."
Wendy: "Hey, quit breaking stuff and making us have to actually earn our keep around here!"
Marvin: "I don't mind; Wonder Girl is hot. Giggle, snort."
Cyborg: "Break up the cat fight! Alright, Titans meeting! Kid Devil and Ravager, GTFO!"
Kid Devil: "Alright, I have to go pretend to call Blue Devil, anyway." (they leave)
Marvin: "Can we stay? I want to stare at Wonder Girl's ass some more."
Cyborg: (throws them out through the hole in the wall that was knocked out during the fight)
(In Kid Devil's room...)
Ravager: "Here, let me light my cigarette on your tongue. This team sucks and I hate everyone, but if they're gonna kick me off I might as well just kill myself before my dad beats me to it."
Kid Devil: "Nightwing told Robin he couldn't kick you off the team. And Robin is totally Nightwing's bitch."
Ravager: "Yeah, well, just 'cause I killed a few dozen people, and tried to kill all of them while I was at it, it seems like nobody wants me here. I don't get it."
Kid Devil: "I do! Want you, here, I mean. With or without the comma, whichever works better for you."
Ravager: "You're such a freak."
(Meanwhile, in the "real" Titans meeting...)
Wonder Girl: "The Brotherhood is on a mad tear stealing cloning technology and stuff."
Robin: "Cloning technology, you say...?"
Cyborg: "Why are they doing that?"
Wonder Girl: "Beats me, but I'm totally pissed at them for nuking Nightwing's town, so there."
Robin: "So you broke into the Tower and tried to hack into our database because...?"
Wonder Girl: "Hell-oooo? I wanted to find out if you had any info on them, obviously."
Robin: "Why didn't you just ASK?"
Wonder Girl: "I have to take down the Brotherhood by myself to prove to you that I didn't fail to save Superboy! 'Cause I know you totally think I did."
Cyborg: "Yeah well, meanwhile we're left with this sorry excuse for a team, so save the drama for your llama. Hey look, the Brotherhood is raiding a cloning lab in New York, how convenient."
Wonder Girl: "Sigh...........okay, let's go. What-ever!"
(So, the team goes to New York to face off against the Brotherhood in a two-page spread.)
Wonder Girl: "You're not getting away this time!" (beats up Warp and Elephant Man)
Goldilocks: "Leave us alone! We're doing this out of love! Which by the way means we're trying to clone a new body for the Brain so he and Monsieur Mallah can live happily ever after with their sweet monkey love!"
Robin: "Well you're still dicks for nuking Nightwing's city!"
Kid Devil: "YOGA FIRE!" (tries to burn Plasmus)
Plasmus: "I eat fire for breakfast! Literally! And your liver." (rips a gaping hole in Kid Devil's chest)
Warp: "KTHXBYE!" (they teleport away)
Ravager: "They killed Eddie! Those bastards!!"
Cyborg: "Hey you, paramedics! Get over here and do something before our little red buddy kicks off!"
EMTs: "Yeah, we don't have a clue."
The Chief: "Ha! Lucky for you ignorant plebes the DOOM PATROL is here!"
(The Doom Patrol shows up for another full-page spread. To ensure that Kid Devil receives the fastest possible lifesaving treatment, they immediately rush him and the other Titans to the DP's secret headquarters in...uh, Prague. Which is in, y'know, the Czech Republic or whatever it's called now. But I guess that's basically right next door to NYC.)
The Chief: "Welcome to our super secret and extravagantly arcane lair! I'd give you the guided tour but I've decided to be generous and save your friend's life first, you worthless little ingrates. Be thankful that we're letting you wait inside! It's raining, you know."
Ravager: "Wait! Where are you taking him?!"
Beast Boy: "Chill out, they're just going to the lab."
Robotman: "Yeah, back off, go to school or watch cartoons or something. We'll go handle the Brotherhood."
Vox: (opens a portal and he, Bumblebee, Robotman and Negative Man go through it)
Cyborg: "Jesus, I thought I looked bad."
Wonder Girl: "Damn it! All you jerks are totally stealing my mission!"
Cyborg: "Seriously, Mal looks like hell. And why is Bumblebee six inches tall now?"
Beast Boy: "Apparently you guys got fucked up in outer space or something. It definitely didn't have anything to do with her shrinking powers in the animated series, but anyway, after that the Chief made them an offer they couldn't refuse. He also kept saying he had an offer for you, too, Cyborg, unless you'd rather stay with the Teen Titans, of course. Even though you're well into your twenties and everything, but hey, I'm not judging, that's just what the Chief said to tell you."
Wonder Girl: "What Teen Titans? This team sucks and I hate everyone! That's why you left, too, right BB?"
Beast Boy: "Actually I had to come help my parents out, my dad sort of lost his marbles after the Chief fixed his Mento helmet. But I'm sure that's just a coincidence."
Ravager: "You live AND work with your parents? You're such a loser."
Wonder Girl: "Says you! Also, your team sucks. Mainly because you're on it."
Ravager: "Whatever, let's go see Eddie."
(They go to the observation room.)
The Chief: "I'm such a genius. And a miracle worker! I fixed you, didn't I, Zomb-er, I mean, Elasti-Girl? Now hold this stitch!"
Elasti-Girl: "Yes, Chief."
Beast Boy: "See, good as new! Or he will be, anyway. Probably."
Cyborg: "Alright then, let's go talk to Mento, maybe he can help us find the Brotherhood."
Beast Boy: "Uh...well, I'll ask him..."
(They leave, except for Robin who smells dirt and stays behind to watch.)
Elasti-Girl: "Hey, I'm kinda maybe not so sure about duping Kid Devil into joining the Doom Patrol after you've fixed him up."
The Chief: "SILENCE!! How dare you question me! I brought you back from the dead!! You all would have, SHOULD have been dead ten times over if it weren't for me! You owe everything to me, your very LIVES I tell you!! ME, not some faceless writer and/or editor! Where do you get off trying to think for yourself?!"
(Beast Boy goes to see Mento.)
Beast Boy: "Hey, Dad, uh...we sorta need you to help us find the Brotherhood of Evil."
Mento: "Sorry son, I'm much too busy writing pointless romance novels for your mother! What? Take off my helmet? I can't do that, the Chief said your mother won't love me anymore if I take it off!"
Beast Boy: "Well dang." (leaves)
Ravager: "These people are nuts."
Wonder Girl: "You would know!"
Ravager: "That's not what the judge said."
Cyborg: "Well, they're...different?"
The Chief: "All done, good as new, Kid Devil will recover shortly thanks to my magnificent and heroic efforts. Now come along to the grown-ups' table, we need to discuss that poor red boy's future."
Robin: "Go ahead, I'll catch up." (He goes to see Eddie.)
Kid Devil: "Hey Robin, how's it hangin'? Guess I shouldn't have tackled Plasmus, huh? Man did that hurt, but Blue Devil says what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, so..."
Robin: "Yeah, I just talked to Blue Devil. He said he hasn't talked to you in two years, he could barely even remember who the hell you were. What gives?"
Kid Devil: "Oops. Uh...does that mean I'm fired?"
(At the grown-ups' table...)
The Chief: "Kid Devil doesn't belong in the Teen Titans."
Ravager: "What?! Why not?!"
The Chief: "Because, you spoiled little brat, he's a freak. He should be with other freaks. Like, oh, say, the Doom Patrol. He'll be better off with us than with a bunch of selfish teenagers like you."
Wonder Girl: "What you say!"
The Chief: "Face facts, little girl: all your base should belong to us."
Robin: "Eddie isn't staying here with you. You're a manipulative asshole."
The Chief: "Why you sneaky, voyeuristic little son of a...!"
Beast Boy: "Robin, take it easy, we owe this dude everything!"
Robin: "Wake up Gar! He's got your nuts in a coffee tin on his bedside table. And everyone else's around here too, I found it while I was sneaking around and digging through everybody's stuff the way Batman taught me to."
The Chief: "You ungrateful little bastard! I save your little half-dead buddy's life, and you turn around and stab me in the--"
Negative Man: "HAY GUYZ the Brotherhood captured Robotman and Vox and Bumblebee and they're starting up their evil plan/experiment in Paris and stuff."
(So everybody runs off to the Brotherhood's lair in Paris, where they immediately find their captured teammates and fall into battle against the Brotherhood.)
Plasmus: "I killed your little red buddy, and now I kill you, too!"
Robin: "You guys take care of them while I go running off by myself." (and he does)
Wonder Girl and Ravager: "Hey, wait!" (they follow him)
Cyborg, Beast Boy and Elasti-Girl: "Yeah, uh, don't worry about us or anything, we'll just fight the whole damn Brotherhood by ourselves, that's cool."
Robin: "This is it, the Brain's secret lab, maybe I can find his private notes on cloning techniques and stuff. Now where would he...hmm, maybe it’s hidden under this stack of Playgirls."
Wonder Girl and Ravager: "Hey, what's this gross spooge-like crap all over the floor?"
(The Brain appears dramatically in a new, freshly-cloned body with Monsieur Mallah at his side.)
The Brain: "Love is on our side! Our love, that is. His and mine. For each other. If you hadn't figured that out yet. Which is quite possibly what you just slipped on."
Wonder Girl and Ravager: "The Brain is mine!" (they really do say it together, I'm not just being lazy)
The Brain: "Girls, I'm flattered but you're really not my type. Since you're girls and everything. And by that I mean I'm a flaming homo who's also into talking monkeys, in case you were still wondering about that. I just thought you and the readers should be clear about it before we fight."
Elasti-Girl: (demolishes the building) "Hey, come fight over here with the rest of us, you guys are screwing up the continuity!"
Robin: "Quick, take out the Brain! Without a leader they'll fall apart!"
Beast Boy: "No, this is the Doom Patrol's mission! Focus on the big ones, Plasmus and Elephant Man are the most dangerous!"
Robin: "But then the Brain will get away! And what do you have against John Hurt?!"
Beast Boy: "We should be more concerned with protecting the innocents on the streets!"
Robin: "The Titans can do both at the same time!"
Beast Boy: "What Titans? Your team sucks!"
Wonder Girl: "What-everrr! Let's just beat up the monsters!"
Robotman: "Yeah, what Blondie said."
Elasti-Girl: "Why do you hate us so much, anyway? We don't even know who you are!"
The Brain: "I hate the Chief, and you should, too!"
Robin: "Yeah, he's an asshole."
Beast Boy: "He's our leader and our friend."
Robin: "You always look for the good in people, Gar, but you can't ignore the bad!"
Beast Boy: "Says the guy who ignored his friends for a year!"
The Brain: "Yeah yeah yeah, shut up. Anyway, the Chief is a cheese-eating rat bastard son of a bitch! I was one of his fellow scientists, but he was so jealous of my mad skillz and scientific genius, not to mention the endless line of leather-clad boys outside the door to my lab, that he blew up my body and put my brain in a jar! Then he built Robotman's body to put MY Brain in it, but Mallah rescued me, so he had to blow up some other poor schmuck and use him instead!"
Robotman: "No way!"
Plasmus: "Yes way!"
The Brain: "But now that I have this impossibly sexy new body, the world will once again tremble in awe of my peerless intellect and rampant homosexuality! Speaking of which, kiss me, Mallah!"
Monsieur Mallah: "Um..."
The Brain: "Oh...drat. My body is rapidly decomposing. I guess the whole cloning thing is a bust, after all."
Monsieur Mallah: "OH NOEZ!!!11"
The Brain: "Damn it! And I had so much more homosexual innuendo I was going to trot out, too. Oh well. Quick, let's climb the Eiffel Tower and watch the sun rise!"
(So, they do.)
The Brain: "Well, I guess that's that. You'll have to stick my brain back in that jar, but it's okay. We can still roam the sewers of Paris quoting Nietzsche to each other."
(So, they do.)
Wonder Girl: "Alright, we've mopped up all the other members of the Brotherhood...now what?"
Elasti-Girl: "Oh look, here comes the Brain's headless corpse, falling from the sky."
Robin: "Damn it! They failed."
Wonder Girl: "Um, and that's bad, because...?"
(Later, back at the Doom Patrol's HQ.)
Kid Devil: "Hey, uh, thanks for fixing me up and stuff, but where are the Titans? Blue Devil says blah blah blah, etc."
The Chief: "Ah, there you are dear boy, good as new aren't you? Thanks to me, by the way. I'm so glad to see you. You know, the other Titans said they don't like you very much. They think you're a freak. But I have a whole TEAM of freaks, you'd fit right into the collection. Listen, you're better off without them, those other children really don't know what's best for you. You need the guidance of someone older and wiser. Preferably someone in a wheelchair, who wears turtleneck sweaters and never shaves."
Beast Boy: "Dude, what the HELL!"
The Chief: "Oh, you're back? I was just talking to this young man about..."
Cyborg: "About how we 'don't like' him? What are you, twelve?"
Wonder Girl: "You lying sack of shit!"
Beast Boy: "I can't believe I'm saying this, but the Brain was right: you really are a cheese-eating rat bastard son of a bitch. You were probably even jealous of his house boys and everything too."
Ravager: "See, Robin totally called it. That guy is a world-class douche."
The Chief: "Robin has his head up Batman's ass! He can't fix any of you, the way I fix the Doom Patrol!"
Beast Boy: "We don't NEED to be fixed. We're not broken."
The Chief: "Are TOO! Look in the mirror, you ugly little circus freak! The world will never accept you!"
The Chief: "Steve? Why aren't you wearing your helmet? You have to put it back on, or else..."
Mento: "Fuck you."
Beast Boy: "W00T!"
Mento: "Listen up. I've got my head on straight now, and I've been re-reading the past couple of issues to catch up. I'll let you stick around as a member of the Doom Patrol if you really want to, but you're not calling the shots anymore, I am. And there's gonna be a new set of nuts in that coffee can. If I ever hear you talk to my wife or son like that again, I'll downgrade your I.Q. into a chimp's. If you're lucky, I'll let you wear a diaper. Are we clear? Oh, and one final point: fuck you."
The Chief: "I...if you need me I'll be in my lab."
Beast Boy: "PWNED!!!!! Hey Robin, uh...sorry for being a dick earlier."
Robin: "Yeah, I guess both our teams suck equally."
Cyborg: "You sure you won't come back with us, Gar? I'm not really sure where I fit anymore, without you to kick around."
Beast Boy: "The Doom Patrol still needs me, at least for a while anyway. But the Titans need you, Vic. Out of all the new members who came and went, you're the only one who was always there...granted, you were the only one who COULDN'T leave, but that's not the point. The point is, you're the only one who everybody felt like they could talk to, anytime, about anything. And not just because you were in a chronic vegetative state, either. Just check the security tapes from your room! Hell, one time I even got it on with Raven in there, right in front of you, and when I say I got 'it' on I mean a...uh, well, okay, don't watch THAT one."
Kid Devil: "Hey, Blue Devil just called, he's gonna come visit me! Hot damn!"
(Much later that night, at Titans Tower...)
Kid Devil: "God damn it! Blue Devil fucking stood me up! What an asshole!"
Ravager: "Have I mentioned that Cassie sucks? She's been in her room 'thinking' all day about whether or not to join the team while everyone was fawning all over her. Light my cigarette."
Kid Devil: "Maybe I should start smoking, too."
Ravager: "Doesn't Blue Devil say smoking is bad for you?"
Kid Devil: "Fuck Blue Devil."
(Below, Cyborg is reviewing the tapes from his room, as Beast Boy suggested.)
Raven: (on the tape) "...Gar is really stressed out over trying to keep the team together, among other things. I'm worried that he's starting to turn into a real Dick. As in, Nightwing. Everyone thinks that's why I'm quitting, but it's not. But I can't tell anyone because it's going to be a big plot point in the next issue."
Zatara: (on the tape) "...I'm supposed to be the greatest teenage magician in the world, but the truth is, I'm completely hung up on Raven and it's really starting to mess with me. I just can't concentrate when she...wait. Shit...I hope you're really a vegetable and not actually conscious in there, because if you are, I might have to kill one of us now."
Miss Martian: (on the tape) "...I was watching TV to figure out how people act on Earth, and I got a great idea to make Ravager laugh by hitting her in the face with a pie when she woke up. Because people on TV always laugh when that happens. But it turned out the TV lied and that was actually a way to make her try to kill me. I'm pretty sure that was what she was doing, she seemed awfully disappointed when she found out her swords couldn't permanently hurt me. I'm starting to worry that we might not really be good friends after all. I'm so confused. Maybe I shouldn't tell her my Deep Dark Secret, like I was going to."
Wonder Girl: (on the tape) "...So, like, I joined this Cult of Superboy for a few months ‘cause they promised they could like seriously bring him back to life and everything. But eventually I figured out that they just wanted my credit card number. They totally ripped me off!"
Cyborg: "Good grief."
Wonder Girl: (enters the room) "Hey, uh, I'm kind of considering thinking about possibly staying for a little while. Maybe. Where's Tim, I want to tell him."
(A few minutes later, in Robin's lab...)
Computer: "Cloning attempt #98: failed. This system has performed an illegal operation and must be shut down. Error code: Y0U R3411Y 5UCK 4T TH15 C10N1N6 TH1N6 R0B1N."
Robin: "AAAAHHH!" (flips out and trashes his lab)
Wonder Girl: "Tim, what the FUCK?! What the hell are you DOING down here?!"
Robin: "Exactly what it looks like."
Wonder Girl: "Okay, seriously, this isn't cool. You've got jars of half-assed Superboy clones everywhere. I don't think there's even a word for how fucked up this is."
Robin: "Shut up and kiss me."
Wonder Girl: "Huh...? Well...uh...okay, I guess."